I want the American people to know that I have announced my candidacy for President of the United States of America. I am running to offer people an option; for those who are disappointed by the puppet-heads presented by the two major parties, for those who do not want a third-party candidate hindered by the lunacy and inferiority of his or her third-party, I, “Cadillac” Frank Babayan, am declaring my candidacy.

I am selling myself to you, America, as the true bi-partisan choice. I vow to offer palatable conservatism, untainted by the Religious Right. I vow to offer fresh, innovative liberalism without fiscal wastefulness. In short, I offer myself as the only candidate truly of the people, by the people, for the people and against the people.

I want America to know that my opinion is for freedom. My opinion is for justice. My opinion is for truth. My opinion is for the American way. And my opinion is available for sale to the highest bidder.

As I have spoken to the many that I have encouraged to encourage me to run for office, I have found that several individuals take my candidacy as something of a joke -- as a sure sign of a disturbed sense of humor. To this end, allow me to affirm my sincerity. The issues matter to me. We have had to deal with the same jokers and the same power brokers who continue to plague us with the same problems year after year. This has gone on FAR ENOUGH.

As we guide our beloved nation into the new twenty-first century, it is only with a true sense of confidence in our leadership and a pioneering spirit shared from the White House down to every last man, woman and child, that we will be able to confront the NEW challenges facing us which have not yet mushroomed into the major issues that we have still not yet solved.

Recently asked about my stance on issuing driver’s licenses to undocumented immigrants, I am proud to say that many found my response sobering, as opposed to giggle inducing. I say with complete conviction in my personal beliefs that undocumented immigrants should not only be allowed to apply for, but also be issued a driver’s license. I believe this should be allowed, not only in California – notorious for the illegal immigration problem, but in all 50 of the United States. However, in accordance to my balanced platform of conservative liberalism, I also believe that, as part of the same bill, every border of the United States should be lined with LANDMINES. After all, people with no legs cannot drive.

Also, in an effort to aid the environment, I have found a plethora of methods to reduce harm to the environment while still achieving a maximum yield of efficiency. Once elected, I will install solar panels on the rooftop of the White House -- to power the Laser Defense Turrets I plan to install throughout the premises of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, of course.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, arguably one of the most prolific world leaders of the twentieth century, forever changed the United States with his New Deal. As president, I feel we, as Americans, should again have a New Deal to help us usher in another era of instant prosperity. My proposal is for a New Deal every Thursday night, in between each hand on National Poker Night.

“I want America to know that every vote for me is a step in the wrong direction, but it is still a step that has been taken. I thank you for your support.”

– “Cadillac” Frank Babayan