We knew they could see us through the windows, but we didn’t care; they’d have to leave eventually, unless…

YES!!! They were Bible thumpers!!

We threw Sarah to the lions (yes, pun intended) because her father is a crazy ex-preacher (yeah, so was Sam Kinison).

Well, as soon as she got to the door, the Inquisition began. The trio of mini-evangelists introduced themselves warmly as members of Blah-Blah Church or Jesus Scam and they were doing a special project to ensure their seats in Heaven and blah blah. Then they began grilling her with the heavy-duty stuff.

“Many people assume that Passover is strictly a Jewish holiday but do you know the REAL meaning of Passover?” Sure enough, Sarah hit back with full-force giving names and citing references. I’ll take “Obscure Biblical References for $400, Alex.”

They hit her with some more stuff and she stuck through it, but aside from the lunch getting cold, Reverend Bob and I were getting annoyed (as we usually do when some 16 year old kid starts getting “holier-than-though” on our ass).

I stood up, muttered under my breath about taking care of this myself, and stomped into the kitchen.

Sarah, still tangling with the Bible thumpers, didn’t see me sneak my beloved bottle of Jack Daniel’s out of the freezer until I interrupted her mid-verse and edged myself in front of her and the doorway and grinned at the potential saint preaching at me. Reverend Bob, wisely not wanting to miss any of this, stood smirking from the doorway with his beer on the ready.

I politely held up my palm and blatantly interrupted him with, “Son, at this house, we’re all alcoholics, see? No, no, don’t interrupt me. I’ve read that Bible too [a lie] and in it, it says that Jesus turned water into wine.”

“Gospel-crazy idiots like YOU are constantly trying to do the OPPOSITE. So follow me logically, if you can. That would make YOU the Anti-Christ!!!”

I have never seen three teenagers run away so quickly in my life and I doubt I ever will again.

Author’s Note: Cadillac Frank would like to gratefully acknowledge “Modern Drunkard Magazine” (http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com) for their expert setup of the above scenario in their advice column on how to handle religious zealots. The above-mentioned event and dialogue is true though only a few minor details are embellished for story-telling purposes.